My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
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Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Seems kinda suspicious
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?