There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
You Might Also Like
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.