Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
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Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Children of the corn 🌽
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”