My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
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Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine