Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
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Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
whatcha thinkin bout
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Happy thanksgiving!
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.