Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
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[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.