Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
You Might Also Like
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
The prophecy is fulfilled
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea