No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
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While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized