Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
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bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
I’d hang this in my house.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
🤣✨#caturday
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.