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Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”