911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
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Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.