ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
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I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings