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Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Ferrari squats
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Stonehinge
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!