My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
You Might Also Like
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
what
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.