I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
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Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
The best shot in the history of golf
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
when revenge coincides with naptime
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
i could never be president. im overqualified.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.