Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
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Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Plant care tips
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.