*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
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You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
I just stopped by to water my horse.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.