Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
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I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.