Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
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Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there