Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
You Might Also Like
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?