Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
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[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
live long and prosper!
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
stand with me against insufficient seating
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Why I divorced her.