roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
You Might Also Like
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
never ask a starfish for directions
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?