I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
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Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Cake safety first. Always.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times