Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
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*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
My dad teaching me to drive
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”