A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
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My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
This checks out
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
look at me when i’m typing to you
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?