Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
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WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
philosophical skeletons be like
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.