How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
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I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
A double negative is a big no-no.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
#FunnyLife Insects
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
So, can we agree on 4 or
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”