Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
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For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.