So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
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Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*