my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
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I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
I have many caverns
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
british sex workers really pound for pound
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”