Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
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parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Current mood: Potato
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.