This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
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Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
That time Alicia messaged me
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.