I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
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I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
I occasionally drink every single night.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.