Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
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My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.