“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
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Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
No point crayon over spilled milk.
What the hell happened in there??
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb