Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
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when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.