Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
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spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
How to find Kentucky on a map
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo