why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
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Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
I just stopped by to water my horse.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
A friend helps you before you need it
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
A game married people play.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question