Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
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*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Guantanamo Bae
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother