*skinny dips into black hole
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me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.