My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
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I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him