Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
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I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Have kids, they said
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”