I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
That 👊
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature