Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
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I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.