Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
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Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher