Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
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Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
the council will decide your fate