I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
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“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
These are my roll models.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it