me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
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If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.