I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
You Might Also Like
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.