Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
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What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
good let them take over I have had enough
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.